


If You Give a Teen a Cookie

by mobilisinmobili



Series: Life's Super Problems and Solutions [3]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, Deadpool - All Media Types, Iron Man (Movies), Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers Family, Bruce Wayne is a Good Dad, Demian wayne is insane, Domestic Avengers, Funny situations, High School, Precious Peter Parker, Revenge, Sneaking Around, Teenagers, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Underage Drinking, grounded for life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-19
Updated: 2018-05-11
Packaged: 2019-03-21 06:35:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13735197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mobilisinmobili/pseuds/mobilisinmobili
Summary: The exceptionally precious incident that Pepper Pots will forever hold over Tony.--OR--That one time Fury played the CPS card and redefined 'team bonding'(Around the same month as Chicka Chicka Boom Boom)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Fun fact: I had this on my computer for DAYS. I thought I had posted and was kinda sad because I thought no one liked it because no one commented or anything :(  
> Apparently, I wrote it and completely forgot to post... Oh well... I hope you all like!

“Shhhhhhh! I-it's supposed to be a-a surprise!”

Peter frowned as he shot the elevator doors a confused look, swaying just so where he stood a few steps away from the offending metal contraption that had binged just a few moments back. 

The hall between the elevator and kitchen darkened considerably as the elevator doors wooshed shut, taking the light away from the darkened area. 

He let his eyes adjust for a minute before wobbling his way into the kitchen area, activating the automatic light sensors as he went. 

Not that it really mattered to him. It was nearing three AM and he was  _ parched. _ Like he was positive his mouth was going to just shrivel up and disappear, parched. So he did what anyone else would do. 

Anyone that was reckless enough to be in the situation he was, that is. 

It took less than fourth seconds for him to simultaneously trip over his untied shoelaces while frantically trying to grab onto the door of the cabinet he had just opened. And grab on he did, to the first row and a half of what happened to be some  _ very  _ expensive crystal whiskey glasses. 

They didn't even stand a chance as they fell towards the hard time floor in a cacophony of shattering Crystal, and all Peter could do was try his best to breath in and out while trying to overcome the sudden wave of nausea that had decided he was going to stay sprawled out on the cold tile floor surrounded by jagged shards. 

_ Tony was gonna be so mad… _

He took one last deep breath before hauling himself back up, leaning generously against the counter in his repeated attempt kick the wave of nausea. 

And once he felt like he could move without puking up his stomach, he shot one last glance over to the still open cabinet before shuffling towards the sink. 

He'd fix things in the morning, but for now, water was the most important priority. He wobbled slightly as he came to a stop in front of the large sink, grabbing for the faucet and twisting it to the coldest option. 

He had intended to just move his face to drink from the steady stream, but after three futile attempts with his body rejecting the position and threatening to fall over once more, he did what seemed to be the best choice at the time, bring the stream directly to his face. 

What he hadn't expected in his hazy mind was the fact that physics would  _ definitely  _ not work in the way he had pictured it. 

It took less than 5 seconds before he received a face full of ice cold water that drenched his hoodie and jeans as it rained down. 

“Arghhg!” the teen made a desperate grab at the faucet before losing his balance and landing back on the ground as the rogue faucet writhed, sending cold water everywhere. 

Peter, in turn, realized that he had indeed fucked up as he felt himself getting heavier and agreeing with his brain to just crash there and then, sink water rain be damned. He'd fix everything in the morning and everything would be alright and Tony wouldn't have to know a single thing. 

He grinned slightly, hauling himself back up, wobbling as he did so before turning the faucet off. 

And then he set his eyes on the sofa nearest to the kitchen as it stood out from the near pitch black darkness of the rest of the living room. 

He knew it was a bad idea and that he should just go change and sleep in his own room, but for now, he had two choices, one would be the sofa and the other would be walking all the way towards the back hall to where his room was tucked into. 

And then without another thought of consideration, he pushed off the stable countertop and fumbled his way to the welcoming sofa. 

He didn't even bother with his soaked clothes as he curled up on the heavenly soft sofa, before closing his eyes. 

And just before he began to really drift off, he was positive his heart had stopped from the sheer terror that pierced through him when the lights flooded on, filling the darkness with bright light.

And there standing in front of the archway of the living room with his arms crossed holding a cup of what looked to be coffee stood none other than a  _ particularly _ pissed Tony Stark in pajama bottoms and an SI hoodie.

“My office. Now.” He didn't bother waiting as he turned and marched his way to his private office. 

Peter groaned, running a tired hand down his face before making his way off the sofa and to Tony s office where he was more than positive he would be grounded for life, and more. 

It didn't help that he reeked of alcohol where someone had accidentally spilled some tequila down his front.

He was so, so dead. He could feel it. 

He could see his future and at the moment it looked like shit, and what better way to celebrate being potentially murdered than knowing that the hangover he'd have tomorrow would more than shit. 

So with one last sigh, his heaved himself to his feet and tried his best to pad quietly down the dim hallway towards his inevitable doom. 

_ Damn teenagers and their “booze day Tuesdays”...  _


	2. Chapter 2

Peter didn't know what was worse, the stifling silence as Tony’s anger steadily grew or the fact that he could practically see just how sloppy drunk he looked as he tried his best to stay relatively well seated on one of the plush leather armchairs in front of the  intimidating steel desk. 

He didn't want to squirm, but it was nearing four minutes of suffocating silence and for all he was worth, the genius billionaire playboy philanthropist had an incredibly unnerving stare when he was mad.

“I-” 

“Zip it” Tony cut him off briskly. 

Peter recoiled, hunching into himself slightly. 

The man had every right to be angry, but he couldn't help the sudden spike of fear that shot through his drunken haze as Tony’s tone sunk in. 

He wasn't just angry, he was  _ furious,  _ and Tony Stark was rarely ever truly  _ furious _ . 

_ He definitely fucked up this time… _

Another few moments of silence passed before the man leaned forward, elbows on the glass as he rubbed at his tired eyes. 

“Do you have  _ any  _ idea how fucking worried I was?” it wasn't said particularly loudly, but Peter didn't miss the simmering fury. He'd have to trod lightly…

“Fifteen hours, Peter. You've been gone for fifteen hours. Just up and left without telling a soul.” Tony fell back into the cushioned chair, still holding on to his mug, eyes cold and hard.

“I had to look up the CCTV footage just to figure out when you actually left.” 

Peter winced. 

“And low and behold what do I find?” his volume went up a half notch. 

“Someone messed around with the cameras and forgot to fix them back.” 

His stomach dropped. 

“It's been running looped  footage for  _ days.”  _

Tony slammed his mug down on the glass top, sending tiny lines of fracture cracks flying around where the mug sat. 

“Is this a joke to you?” 

Peter's eyes widened as he shook his head.

“Then what the hell do you think you're doing?!” Peter flinched back at the sudden increase in volume. 

“-m srry I-” 

“I'm not interested in excuses, so you can stop there” Tony answered, his volume lowered but dripping with bemusement. 

“So you decide to go out with your friends, that's fine. You've got a social life. You're a teenager. It's acceptable. But what's not acceptable is falling off the face of the earth for fifteen hours. Especially after the whole Vulture debacle.” 

Tony didn't let him get a word in edgewise as his anger began to steadily spew out. 

“What do you think I did after finding out that  _ no one  _ knew where you were or when you actually left?”

Tony curled his hands around the mug none too gently.

“I tried everything. I tried your suit. Your phone. Checked all the city CCTV footage. And what do I find at one in the morning? *You, getting out of a black escalade into Hellhouse. You not fighting back  _ whatsoever  _ going as far as putting an arm around one Demian Wane and buddying it up with a certain Wade Wilson.  _ Again. _ ” 

Peter winced once more at the emphasis. 

“You don't even have a decent excuse this time. Not after the whole coyote thing. You  _ knew.  _ You knew how I felt about you hanging around Wilson.” 

Peter didn't respond, keeping his eyes trained on the floor as he tried his best to fight the drowsiness that was starting to weigh his drunk self down. 

He was startled to attention by a series of sharp snaps in front of him where Tony had impatiently snapped his fingers to wake the drowsing teen. 

“I swear to god, Peter, if you fall asleep on me right now I'll put you on room lockdown for the rest of your life.” 

He didn't sound like he was joking, but Peter could see the worry that was beginning to take a hold of the man's tense stance. “-mfine” he waved the hand away. 

“promise I won't go sleep” he continued to slur.

Tony’s eyes narrowed as he took a step back from his anger to really look at what was happening in front of him. 

Peter didn't even notice as his brows creased in attempt to keep his bloodshot eyes open. 

Tony leaned forward, waving a hand in front of the drunk teen’s face. 

“Hey. Peter. Peter?”

“Hmmm?” Peter glanced up, nearly falling out of his chair in attempt to answer at attention. 

Tony wasn't liking where this situation was headed. If the green sheen that had taken over Peter's face was indeed due to what he thought it was due to and not because of the dim lights, the situation would be headed south very very soon, and he had no one else to call on at this hour. 

No one but Bucky that was…. 

But then again, it hadn't been too long since the Winter soldier had joined their little team after fighting off the Hydra rewiring. He wasn't even sure the guy would come, let alone help him with a far too drunk teenager. 

For all Tony knew, Barnes probably didn't really like him all that much after the shitshow with Cap and him nearly dying after being double teamed on….

But, fuck it. It was nearing three thirty and Peter looked like he was about to pass out or like his guts out soon and Tony was positive he wasn't ready to deal with that all alone.

So he sighed, rolling his eyes before making what he anticipated was going to be one of the weirdest decisions of his life. 

“JARVIS.”

“Sir?” 

“Call Barnes. Tell him to get over here.” 

“Sir, my vitals read that sergeant Barnes is currently in a state of deep REM sleep. It would be unwi-” 

“JARVIS. I get that it's nearly four in the morning but he needs to get his ass over here. Pronto. Like now.” 

There was a beat of silence before JARVIS spoke again.

“Sergeant Barnes had awoken. He is an route to your office.” 

Tony got up and walked over to the door, opened it and stuck his head out. 

“Barnes, I need a bucket and some water! Throw in a towel or two” Tony shouted into the silent hallway. 

He was sure Barnes would have no trouble hearing him. 

The man was practically a ghost. Everywhere and nowhere all at the same time. 

That though was hammered home a few moments after Tony retreated back to where Peter Sat, half seated half slumped trying his best not to vomit on the nice carpet under his shoeless feet. 

It had been no more than three minutes since Tony had called for Barnes and yet there he was at the door, sleep ruffled hair contrasting against the expressionless facade. He held  two buckets, one undoubtedly filled with water with an empty one underneath. There was a fluffy towel scrunch in the other.

“Sorry bout the rude awakening, but there's no one else in at the moment” Tony stated, none too apologetically before turning back to Peter. 

“Parker. Hey” he gave a few light taps on the cheek. 

Peter's eyelids fluttered before closing. 

“Peter. I need you to wake up bud. Can't sleep right now” If Bucky had noticed the growing worry in Tony’s voice he didn't mention it, simply stepping forward with the towel and the empty bucket. “You should call Fury” he said quietly, bringing the fluffy towel around Peter's shoulders. 

“Why?” 

“Because, the kid looks like he's got alcohol poisoning” Barnes replied gruffly.

And in that moment, Tony was positive his heart had stopped momentarily. 

“Alcohol poisoning?” 

“He's kinda turning blue…” 

Tony whipped around to stare at the unresponsive teen. 

It couldn't have been… he'd have to have seen it correctly. Peter had turned green. It was cause he drank too much like the idiotic teenager he was.

But seeing him now after Barnes’s statement made things more clear. 

It had been the lights. 

_ Goddamn it! _

“Fury’s not even in the country right now. He's on that London trip” Tony answered, trying his best to keep his tone level. 

Bucky quirked an eye. 

“No, he's not.” 

“How do you know?” 

Bucky focused his gaze on Tony for a brief moment, getting a read on whether or not he knew what was happening.

He shifted his gaze towards the door. 

“He's not in London.” 

Tony folded his arms defensively, but otherwise kept quiet for Barnes to explain.

“He was in the common room when I came out.” 

Tony’s eyes widened as his brows shot up. 

“He's been inside the complex since the kid came in.” 

Tony shot a disapproving glance towards the steadily slumping teen before standing once more. 

“JARVIS” 

“Sir?”

“Ring Fury. Tell him he's welcome to join our little shindig.”

There was a beat of silence before JARVIS spoke. 

“Sir, it seems that Mr. Fury has already-” 

“I've already made my way here, and I want to know exactly what the  _ fuck _ is going on, Stark. And you better hope there's an acceptable answer because I  _ will  _ arrest your ass if I see fit.” 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I dunno why, but I imagined that Bucky would make the most interesting witness to this whole situation.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun crossover times!

“Hey Cap, have you seen Tony?  Pepper just called. Apparently she hasn't been able to get in touch with….” Bruce froze mid sentence as he followed Roger’s wary line of sight from where he stood behind the kitchen island pouring himself a cup of coffee. 

He followed the gaze into the living room where Tony sat, dressed haphazardly in a suit, but  _ definitely  _ looking more than a little frazzled. If Bruce had to guess, Tony hadn't even gotten to shower let alone be awake for very long before he was put in a situation where he had to put on some business formal attire. He looked  _ exhausted _ . But that wasn't the kicker. 

The real point of interest sat right across from said frazzled Stark Industries Head. 

One equally tired looking Bruce Wayne sat, clad in a similar fashion. 

Both billionaires looked particularly bemused, dark circles prominent as they drank their coffee. 

“Is there- did i miss something?” Bruce whispered. 

Cap glanced up at the duo before nudging the strangely domestic looking Winter Soldier next to him, clad in sweatpants and a long sleeve SI shirt, hair tied in a messy bun. 

“The kid came back with alcohol poisoning” he answered  indifferently, poking at his cereal. 

Bruce winced. 

Oh…

“Apparently Fury had the kid tailed. Followed him all the way back here.” 

_ Oh….oh damn… _

“The kid ended up unconscious so Tony had to take him to the hospital and then come back and give Fury a debriefing and then go to some board meeting.” 

“It's not even seven yet…” 

“Kid came back around three thirty.” 

Bruce's brow shot up. So  _ that's  _ why the billionaire genius playboy philanthropist looked like an absolutely frazzled out dad… 

With good reason. No one other than Barnes had been in the compound all of yesterday and the day before that for some summit. The same summit Tony got to miss because of a SNAFU in the latest SI budget meeting. He had  _ definitely  _ not been amused. 

But to have had all of that happen within a few hours was understandable to why he looked so tired, but it didn't explain Bruce Wayne. 

From what he knew, Stark and Wayne were something of frenemies. Both ridiculously rich and big in the philanthropic world. Both somewhat of a vigilante hero turned dad figure. Both weirdly genius and eccentric in their own rights. And from what he could see now, both extremely exhausted from whatever it was that had taken them both out of meetings into the plush living room of Avengers compound. 

Bruce didn't know what to think. 

The two had apparently been locked in serious conversation for the better part of an hour, something about  _ mutual punishment  _ and  _ grounding  _ along with  _ goddamn teenagers _ . Things weren't looking so great, and at this point, the two were just trying their best to not doze off, staring intently into their probably empty cups. 

The silence reigned for another few moments before the elevator dinged once more, followed by sharp angry clicks of high heels followed by an irate “Stark, you better be here or I swear to all that is holy-” Pepper marched in to view just as the two men jolted back to focus, sitting up and putting their cups on the coffee table. 

Bruce stood, fixing his coat before putting on a smile. Tony followed suit, weaving his way passed the coffee table to the entrance pillars of the living room to face an extremely unhappy looking Pepper Potts. 

“I have been calling you for the last hour mister!” she barked, frown deepening as she eyed the frazzled hair and rumpled suit. 

“How many times do I have to tell you, Tony. You can't just walk out of meetings like that! Especially emergency meetings! We're at the brink of-” 

Tony raised a wary hand, cutting Pepper off. 

“I'm really really sorry babe. I am. I'm a horrible human for doing this again for like the fourth time this past month, but there was a really really big problem…” he glanced over at Wayne who just stood there quietly, hands clasped, not willing to butt into the conversation.

Pepper’s eyes widened as she glanced over and back, pulling Tony closer by the sleeve. 

“ _ Is that Bruce Wayne?”  _ she whispered. 

Tony nodded and winced as Pepper smacked him hard on the arm. 

“ _ What the  _ **_hell_ ** _ is Bruce Wayne doing here at this hour?!”  _

He took a step back before answering. 

“ _ there was a problem and um… he's just here to help solve It!” he turned over to Bruce.  _

“Right? Solving problems right now. Through this amazing company cooperation.” 

Wayne nodded vigorously. 

Pepper narrowed her eyes suspiciously. 

“I swear to god Tony. If you aren't in the meeting room at 10 ready to go, I will personally blacklist you from  _ all  _ of the drink companies.” 

Tony had the decency to look offended. 

“All of them. Mark my words Stark.” she turned on her heels, stopping to say hello to the three in the kitchen before marching back to the elevator.

“10 o'clock Tony Stark. Main board room” she yelled before the elevator slid shut. 

Tony let out a sigh before plopping back onto the couch. Wayne followed suit. 

“Does she not know?” 

“No one knows. No one's gonna know.” Tony shot back, rubbing at his bloodshot eyes. 

“Know what?” Banner whispered to Barnes. 

“The kid went missing an hour ago. Apparently he's in coordination with mini bat. Some Damian Wayne” he nodded to where Bruce Wayne sat. “His kid. He sent a message thirty minutes ago that neither if them are coming back unless they promise no punishment.”

Bruce's eyes widened in surprise. Who knew Peter was so...reckless? 

“And they think those two won't lie?” Bruce asked incredulously.

A smile flickered on Barnes’s face as he nudged Cap who chuckled lightly. 

“They apparently came back and took a few  _ essential  _ hostage worthy items.” 

“Like?” 

“Well for starters, they took my shield and jammed all of the locks to the labs.” 

Bruce took a moment to absorb all of the surprising new information. 

Oh.

“And apparently they've taken the batmobile too.” 

Barnes actually cracked a smile at that. 

“And most importantly, they've got Fury. He sent us a message, and he's  _ really really  _ not amused.” 

_ Oh… _

Bruce was going to have to call Clint. He was gonna absolutely have a field day.

Who knew teenagers could be so amusing?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor billionaire genius playboy philanthropists. Lol.   
> Low key rooting for Damian and Peter to succeed!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who commented and left kudos~ ESPECIALLY to Daidaiiro: I prefer Evil criminal cookie thief but lady will do just fine ;)

“Alright, everyone. We're gonna just get to it because we don't have time to lose.” Tony announced, sitting on the trunk of one of many ridiculously expensive cars that sat in his workshop. 

The rest of the Avengers sat around in varied areas where they managed to occupy. 

“As of 8 AM, Peter has been pronounced MIA.” He held up a hand to stop Banner’s worried outburst. 

“He's only  _ technically  _ MIA.” 

Nat quirked a brow. 

“We received a message around that time so we know that he's not in a hostage situation.” 

He drummed his fingers on the sleek metal. 

“But that doesn't mean that this isn't a hostage situation” he stopped drumming looking far more bemused than he'd ever been. 

“Peter, along with one Damian Wayne-” he nodded towards the back where Bruce Wayne leaned against one of the many steel tables. He looked just as bemused. 

“- have taken a few...hostages…” 

“He took my shield.” Rogers agreed. 

“The shield. He's jammed all of the labs, and-” he was cut off by a sudden question from Barton.

“Isn't this a lab?” 

Tony rolled his eyes. “He jammed this one too, but as per Pepper’s orders, one of the multiple glass panes has to be actual breakable glass.” 

Barton frowned.

“Doesn't that defeat the purpose of having unbreakable glass?” 

It was Banner that answered, leaving Tony to return to his drumming. 

*“It's probably because of the shark incident.” He answered with an understanding nod.

“The shar-” 

“Alright, Legolas. I'm gonna have to stop you there. I've got to leave in like 20 minutes if I don't want to be late, which I don't, for the whiskey…..” He dragged a hand down his tired face. 

“So, they've got the shield, all the labs, and apparently they took the Batmobile…” Wayne rubbed his temples with a sigh. 

“But most importantly, they took Fury.” 

“They  _ took _ Fury?  _ Fury?”  _ Nat didn't seem very convinced. 

“Yes, Fury. Our one-eyed leader. He sent us a voicemail like an hour ago.” Tony rebutted in full sass.

“So what’s the game plan?” Bucky spoke up quietly from his seat towards the back. 

“Peter’s probably just following a bigger plan. The kid did get checked in for alcohol poisoning. He’s not exactly gonna be able to web around everywhere like he normally does.”

Tony nodded in agreement. 

“We’re gonna wait” he answered bluntly. 

“And do what?” Bucky replied. 

“We’re gonna wait until our plan shows up. He said he’d be here around 12. We’ll have a lunch meeting or something.” 

Cap quirked a brow. 

“He?” 

“Grayson. He said he’d be able to get off of work for a few hours around lunchtime.” Wayne answered. He didn’t exactly sound thrilled about the situation at hand. 

“He’s the one who knows Demian the best so he’ll be the most helpful to our situation.” 

There was a beat of silence before Tony hopped off the trunk, snapping the silence. 

“So now the everyone knows the game plan, I’ll be back around 11 or so” he straightened out his rumpled suit. 

“And in the meantime, if anyone hears or sees  _ anything  _ that has to do with Parker, don’t hesitate to text me. I’ll be more than happy oblige. He walked towards the door, grabbing his briefcase on the way out. 

“Bonus points if you can get me out of the meeting altogether!” 

And with that, he left the team plus Wayne to wonder just what the actual fuck was going on...

* * *

 

“Oi. Parker. Look at me.” Demian snapped his fingers in front of Peter’s fluttering eyes. 

It had been nearly two hours since he’d sprung the spiderling from the hospital and broke into the Avengers compound to take a few necessary items. 

He had spent twenty of those precious and fast-paced moments trying to get the dosage of emergency saline correct. 

It was  _ definitely  _ not one of his specialties. Grayson would no doubt have made a better accomplice than the nauseous-on-the-verge of puking spider, but apparently, he had promises to keep and duties to uphold leaving Demian alone to plan out his revenge scheme. 

It wasn’t like it was completely his fault that *the only other kid his age at the charity ball had been a complete and utter pain in the ass, not to mention so,  _ so  _ mentally dull. 

He had told his father that he wanted to leave early. He even did so with a please and more polite words, as Grayson had taught him. 

But it had been to no avail. 

He’d been ordered to stay and socialize with the  _ utter  _ buffoon.   

And in his defense, his punch hadn’t even been that hard to begin with. 

Two colas and a sneaked shot of vodka didn’t get the type of hold that he had expected they would. 

He’d held his punches. Even going as far as to move slightly to the right to avoid hitting the boy’s nose straight on. 

But as luck would have it, the boy, so unlike his namesake, was slow to notice and stepped slightly to the right, causing Demian’s fist to collide squarely on his nose with a pretty satisfying crunch. 

Not that he had much time to fully appreciate the sound. 

No… 

Of  _ course,  _ it would be at that very moment that his father along with a smug looking Grayson would walk past, witnessing him punching Flash Thompson. The very Flash who was the son of the man who had made a sizable donation to the Wayne Charity Fund that night. 

It had been game over from the moment he made eye contact with a more than bemused Bruce Wayne who ordered Grayson to take him home and make sure he stayed home because there would be hell to pay when he got back. 

And there was. 

_ Of course.  _

Bruce had banned Demian from everything from patrol to school for a month, He completely unwired the house, save for the gas for the stove and generator for the refrigerator. he had pulled the plug on the heat, both air and water, 

But that wasn’t it. 

Bruce had gone so far as to take every last scrap of electronic material that Demian owned or could get his hands on and locked them all in the cave, which he locked Demian out of. 

So the sad Robin was left in a cold house with cold water and no light after sunset doing nothing but alternating between staring at his wall and working himself to the ground. 

By the time the Tuesday of week 2 had rolled around, he was getting stir crazy and ready to just go crazy. Which is what he did. 

Much to Grayson’s chagrin, he snuck out late that night and snuck over to Dick’s house to “borrow” his car, a big black range rover; a congratulatory gift from Bruce when Dick had started on the force. 

It hadn’t taken long to hotwire, and within moments he was racing down nearly empty streets of the city looking for some fun. 

And he found it. Or Him. 

It was around ten when he picked up a loitering Deadpool who had been walking around the city, baseball bat in one hand and a fresh chimichanga in the other. 

It didn’t take Demian too long to realize just who he was seeing before beckoning the man to get in the car. 

Deadpool, in turn, had a moment of confusion before realizing who it was that was basically cat calling him from the big land rover. 

The conversation had been along the lines of,  _ let's piss Batman off _ and it only spiraled from there. 

They had had a few drinks before Deadpool remembered that there was someone else who would probably love to join. That took the two to cruise along the streets before conveniently running into a certain Peter Parker who looked ready to bolt. 

And after some friendly talking(threatening) they managed to convince Peter to join them for  _ “just one drink _ ” which happened to turn into like 10 somewhere along the lines. 

But Deadpool being the adult that he was made sure to get Peter back to the complex in one piece before driving off to where Demian had requested. 

That had been that. 

But, come about four in the morning Demian received a text message from Deadpool informing him that the spiderling had indeed been taken to the hospital for alcohol poisoning It was from there the plan grew. 

He thanked Deadpool for the useful information and set out,  after an ice-cold shower at four, towards the hospital. 

He did have to wait a little bit before he was able to sneak Parker from inpatient care, but it was all worth it from the utter feeling of thrill and adrenaline running through his veins as he raced through the streets once more, in the Batmobile with a semi-conscious Parker in tow. 

The Avengers Complex had come next. 

It wasn’t impossible, but it was definitely on the list of irritating, in terms of security measures. But once he got in, it was easy going from there. He knew the Avengers. Not personally, but from a professional point of view, so he knew what he wanted to take and he did what he wanted to do in the time he had. 

But Fury, that was a whole other thing. 

It was like Christmas had come early. 

Bruce would find out and he would probably self-destruct from the utter what the fuckedness of the whole situation. 

It had taken three coated needles and a spritz of Deadpool’s “special perfume” to knock the man unconscious. 

And then the only matter left was to drag him out to the car where Peter was and then he’d be able to get away to the secret safe house. 

Insanity be damned, if he was going down, he’d go down with a bang. Then Bruce would have no choice but to unground him and put everything back to normal. 

And then he’d push the Thomson boy down the stairs or something like that. Something to alleviate the stress of seeing that utterly  _ punchable  _ face. 

But for now, he was driving the Batmobile. In charge of the situation. 

And Batman would  _ suffer.  _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * I had the funniest little imaginary scene play out in my head of Demian Wayne straight decking Flash Thomson out. It's random, but it's gonna come back into play soon!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Technically the last chapter of this story!   
> But not to worry everyone, there's an EPILOGUE~

“You've really fucked up this time, Brucy…” 

He took another long gaze at the holographic screen Tony had set out for the boy wonder still clad in his police uniform. 

The ‘Brucy’ in question simply stood off to the side, arms crossed, face set in an almost sour expression.

“You know it really wasn’t his fault.” 

Wayne sighed. “We're  _ definitely  _ not having this conversation right now Richard.”

Grayson quirked a brow at the sudden full first name usage.

“But even you've got to admit that a full shutdown was a bit  _ much…. _ ” 

“He was  _ grounded.  _ And you know Damian. He doesn't ever just get normal grounded. Not like you or Jay…”

Grayson hummed as he sped through a longer snippet of a batmobile sighting. 

“So he took the other kid-” 

“Peter” Tony supplied. 

Grayson nodded. 

“He took Peter out of the hospital and he took Fury from the complex and now no one knows where any of them are?” he continued forwarding and reversing the video. 

“Nope. As far as we know, Fury sent a message a few hours ago, but it came from Damian which means that it was purposeful. We won't be able to track it.” 

Grayson shrugged. “That's okay. We don't need it anyway.” 

Bruce quirked a brow. 

“Just so you know, you're better off agreeing to the terms and conditions the little ninja set out. It'll end in a much less… hands-on way if you do.” 

“Unground him?” 

“Yup” he popped the p. 

“I'm pretty sure Fury would give that a hard pass. He isn't exactly the most forgiving type of person” Tony answered bemusedly. 

“Well, all I can tell you is that you’re really gonna be pissed when you find out where he is” he shot Bruce a smirk before turning back to the screen. 

“And Fury won’t be mad” he turned to Tony briefly. “He’ll probably be pissed at you all if I’m not mistaken.” 

“He always is…” 

“More so this time. Especially this time.” 

“And what would motivate Fury to crawl deeper into his unhappy hermit shell?” 

Grayson spun his chair around to face the two billionaires, arms crossed with an infuriatingly smug look painted on his face. 

“But first” he turned to Bruce, expression morphing into a somewhat sheepish look. Bruce didn’t like where this was going…

“What did you do…?” 

Grayson had the nerve to look affronted. 

“Why must you always assume I did something? Maybe I just wanted this reveal to be exciting?” he snarked. 

Bruce narrowed his eyes, head tilting  _ just  _ so to show that he was not appreciating this moment in time. 

Grayson, in turn, rolled his eyes. 

“Fine, fine. But you don’t get to be mad at me for this!” 

Bruce continued to stare, bemusement coming off him in waves. 

It took a whole two minutes before Tony broke the silent conversation. 

“Alrighty, as much as I’d love to give you guys a fam bonding moment, I need to find my kid. Like pronto. Like  _ now.” _

“I’m not doing anything until Bruce agrees to my terms.” Tony could feel the sass. 

Bruce, in turn, shrugged silently. 

“I’d take that as a yes,” Tony stated pointedly.

“Nah, one thing Bruce Wayne has always  _ always  _ taught us to do was to never leave negotiations without documentation.” 

“There’s no paper here…” 

“Yeah, but you’re kinda like Bruce so there wouldn’t be any cameras either but there probably would be a hidden mic or something around here. Your computer’s probs running  _ some  _ sort of recording application… Right?” 

Tony shot him an impressed stare, looking to Bruce with a nod. 

“So Brucy, if you would repeat after me.” 

Bruce sighed, rolling his eyes. 

“I-” 

“I.”

“Bruce Wayne hereby void any and all misdoings by Richard Grayson and will  _ not _ take any sort of action against any and all possible legal and illicit activities carried out during Grayson’s time as Robin and thereafter.” 

“Grayson I swear to all that is holy-” 

Wonderboy brought up a hand, grin back on his face. He took out a folded sheet of paper out of his pocket and unfolded it before bringing it to Bruce’s view. 

Tony could have sworn he saw the man’s eye twitch. And with good reason. 

“He was  _ arrested _ …?” 

Bruce shot the man a tired frown as Grayson pointed to a signed line towards the bottom. 

Tony winced. “You gotta admit, a legal pardon is pretty heavy in terms of favors, Wayne…” 

“Alright.” the man growled. 

“I hereby excuse Richard Grayson of any and all legal and illegal activities from his time as Robin and any time after  _ up until today.”  _ the message was not lost on the young man who promptly typed in a few lines of code before opening up a  _ definitely  _ top secret copy of the blueprints to the current AVENGERS complex. The very one that they were in at the very moment. 

Tony frowned. 

“They're in here” he circled a room towards the opposite end of the complex. 

Tony leaned in for a closer look and then swore.

“JARVIS!”

“,Yes sir?” 

“Put the Matryoshka Protocol in effect immediately. We’re going into lockdown.”

“Matryoshka Protocol has been initiated successfully. Captain Rogers and Mr. Wilson have been notified. Dr. Banner and Mr. Barton are hereby on standby at your word, sir.” 

Tony shut down the holograms as the room’s lights turned red, in accordance with the initiated protocol.

“If they’re in Widow’s room, we can’t be sure of what they’ve got in terms of weapons so…” 

Bruce nodded, not looking one bit perturbed at the turn of events. 

Grayson, on the other hand, wasn’t ready to just accept the events. He silently raised his hand, looking far more sheepish than Tony would have liked. 

“Yes?” 

“You might want to...be careful…” 

Bruce cocked a brow. “Since when have you been such an avid fan of caution?” 

Grayson began to spin his chair gently from side to side, very obviously avoiding the question. 

“Grayson!” 

“Okay, okay! I may or may not have given Demian bazooka for his birthday…” he put both hands up in surrender. 

Tony just gave Bruce a long stare.

“Is this what happens after the teenage phase?” 

“Much much worse. He’s being good today…” 

“Damn….”

“So you’re saying he may or may not be armed with a bazooka?” Grayson grimaced as he continued to spin in lazy circles. 

“And he may or may not have gotten into my monster stash” Bruce’s eyes widened in shock.

He rushed forward, grabbing Grayson by the shoulders and giving him a none too gentle shake. 

“How many?” 

“...five ish...?”

Bruce turned to Tony. 

“You don’t happen to carry tranqs do you?” 

“I might?” 

“Good. Bring three.” 

Tony shared a silent, very dad ish conversation with the man before nodding. He moved around the lab towards the back before unlocking a sizable steel case, taking out what looked to be a set of steel bouncy balls encased in a black mesh bag. 

He locked down the case as he moved to the door of his lab, gesturing for the two to follow him out before initiating a new lockdown for his lab, turning his transparent glass walls black. 

He wasn’t positive it would work, but he hoped to whatever deity was watching, probably Heimdal or whatever his name was, that the boy genius hadn’t gotten into Widow’s drawers or they would all be very  _ very  _ dead….

_ \-------- _

In the end Tony found his contraption actually worked pretty well, binding the little but super hyper evil genius in the traq coated net. He struggled for a full two minutes before caving but even Tony had to admit that it was a pretty impressive fight time, since he’d originally made the net for the Hulk… 

Peter hadn’t fared much better, passed out on Widow’s bed with a painful looking IV set up on the crook of his left arm, looking far more hungover than Tony anticipated. He didn’t even try to sit up when Cap busted down the door. 

Fury on the other hand looked beyond wrathful as Bucky worked on sawing through the steel plated ropes that Demian had used to bind Fury. How Bucky had managed to get out of his locked down room, Tony wasn’t sure, but he was pretty glad for the time being that he wasn’t the one having to be so close to Fury.

He was more than a certain he would be receiving a Fury signed punishment notice within the week, but for now his attention was on Peter who had opened his eyes a few seconds ago and tried his best not to vomit when Tony informed him of just whose bed he was occupying. 

But all in all, he considered this a win as he left Cap in charge briefly before walking Bruce and company out to the car Bruce had brought earlier. 

“I’ve programmed the batmobile to drive back home. Grayson said with a goodbye wave before pulling out of the driveway at a speed that left Wayne counting to ten silently in his head. 

Bruce clipped Demian into the front seat before closing the door and making his way around to the driver’s side where Tony stood, arms crossed watching the scene in amusement. 

“Just wait until he get older. It’s gonna be horrible.” Bruce shook his head with a small smile. 

“Kid seemed pretty nice.” Tony nodded to the passenger’s side. 

“It’s cause I was there. He’s a little demon too…” 

Tony chucked. “Teenagers, am I right?” 

Bruce could help but grimace. 

“Thanks again. And I really am sorry.” he slid into the front seat, rolling his window down. 

“Don’t mention it.” Tony responded with a wave as the sleek black car raced out of the driveway.

He let out a chuckle, turning and making his way back in.

He’d have a talk with Peter once the worst of his hangover passed. But for now, He’d go an wait with the kid in the infirmary because Tony was nice like that

And also, he may or may not get to check off a few boxes from the list of ridiculous parental milestones Widow had sent a few days ago… 

But who was asking?

 

__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to think that Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark got together after this fiasco to empathize and swap horror stories about their teenagers and how they were going grey from stress.   
> Also, Fury probably has a secret file started for Demian too since he and Peter probably got real friendly afterwards.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter!   
> There's a hint to what the next short story will be~

“Yes, Tony. There will be a test on this. Due next Monday.” Hill answered flatly. 

“Put your hand down. Any other questions?” 

She looked around at the six faces seated in the front row of the unnecessarily large lecture hall. 

“Alright then. That's everything.” 

Barton cheered, letting his head fall to stretch his sore neck. 

“I expect everyone’s written take home test to be completed by next Monday.” She handed Bruce the stapled stack. 

“And you” she motioned to Peter who straightened up immediately, eyes wide in surprise. 

“Y-yes Ma’am?” 

“Your 20 hours of community service starts today.” 

Peter nodded vigorously. 

“Mr. Stark has be kind enough to sign you off as his aid for the rest of the week. You'll Be running errands, I assume.” she passed Peter the official looking folder.

“But, you'll be signing in and out to Mrs. Potts.” 

Tony’s hand immediately shot up. “Fury trusts Pepper more than he trusts you. End of story. Put your hand down”. 

Tony sat back with a faint scowl.

“I hope that this little crash course on underage drinking and preventative measures against alcohol poisoning was informative. This will be the first and last time this lecture will be given.” Hill gave Peter a pointed stare. 

“And thank you for lending us a lecture hall” she nodded to Tony who shrugged. 

“How could I say no to underage drinking and preventative measures against alcohol poisoning?” he answered in mock seriousness. 

He winced as he stretched out his back. 

“Probably the first time this room’s been used anyway” he glanced around the state of the art room. 

“Why would you add a lecture hall this big in the first place? Isn't there already an auditorium?” Bruce asked conversationally. 

“Just figured it wouldn't hurt to have one.” Hill quirked a brow. 

So this was how the ultra rich used their funds…

“Also! Before you all go. Fury requested that I remind you that this was a  _ team  _ project. Everyone needs to return a completed packet or the  _ entire  _ team will redo this project in something I would assume would take more than three hours.” no one missed the underlying threat.

“Right. No more underage drinking. We'll all have to pay more attention. Shouldn't be too hard.” Rogers nodded. 

The rest of the team voiced their agreement. 

“I recommend removing any alcohol from the pre-” Hill started, only to be cut off mid sentence. 

“Hard pass. That's something that we will  _ not  _ be doing.” Tony replied flatly. 

“You touch my drinks and I will lock the whole compound down. I can do it. You know I can.” 

Hill took a moment to look taken aback before wiping those expressions off of her face. 

“Not even for Peter?” 

The delivery was innocent enough but the room quieted, heavy  silence descending upon the room. 

“That's low. Even for you, Hill.” Tony narrowed his eyes. 

Nat and Bucky watched the impending argument in amusement, neither one absolutely sure as to who would win. 

“I'm just saying. It would definitely help your case of “change” if you made a personal contribution.” 

“I would say sitting in on a three hour lecture is a pretty decent contribution. And it's not like he's drinking at home.” 

Tony turned his attention suddenly to Peter who looked like a deer caught in the headlights. 

“Have you touched or even thought about touching any of the alcohol at Home?” no one mentioned the particularly domestic word usage. 

Peter shook his head. “Never ever.”

Tony nodded in affirmation. 

“You see.” 

Hill rolled her eyes. 

“And he'll continue in that fashion. Isn't that correct?” 

“Yes Ma’am”.

“Because if this happens again, Mrs. Potts will initiate the Abs. Protocol and Fury will personally ground you all.”

“Ground...us?” Bruce spoke up in concern. 

“The nicer way of saying blacklist.” Widow answered casually. 

“Oh….” 

“Blacklisted and normally labeled as a fugitive.” 

Barton quirked a brow. 

“Well damn, Peter. I guess that some incentive to no drink ever again.” Tony patted Peter on the back in amusement. 

“Never ever...ever again.” Peter replied. 

_ Ever. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the kudos and comments! I hope you liked this story~  
> And as I stated on the other story  
> If you have any sort of headcanon/plotbunny/request for me, please feel free to leave a message!

**Author's Note:**

> *Booze day Tuesday: A bit of a personal experience in HS. I don't know why but people would decide to throw parties on Tuesdays??? In the middle of the week?? and I, like a total idiot, went to ONE. One and never again...


End file.
